Friday, December 22, 2006

Mother's day? Sounds more like Morons Day Out to me.

This is how the women in my hometown celebrate mother’s day.

While women from various part of the world took a day break from all their menial chores, women in my hometown decided to march to the Mayor’s office and support polygamy. Now, I'd say those women were lucky I was stuck with my bullshit job in Adelaide when this stupidity transpired, because had I been home, I'd machine-gun every last one of them.

I guess I’m old enough to remember the days when women were powerful creatures, not merely a brainless piece of curvy meat.

Take my Ma for example. She doesn’t have the quality of Helen of Troy. She doesn’t launch a thousand ships, start a war or incite a rebellion. But she has a superb psychological power. She can make me go to church or do the dishes simply by staring at me.

And instead of bitching at things, she gets them done.

But I guess my mom is a rare and almost extinct breed. I mean, when you look around these days jobs that are traditionally viewed as woman’s job are now done (and mastered) by men. You know there’s something wrong with womanhood when the best cook, hairdresser and fashion designers are men.

And hence we are doomed with this quagmire. Since women can no longer do the simplest task such as disciplining their own children, the government has to take every “unacceptable” thing off the TV. Since women can no longer keep their husbands indoors, this country is going to start promoting polygamy.

But the biggest joke of all was that they said God himself permitted polygamy. Man, if I could get a dollar for every stupidity that is masqueraded as god’s will, I’d be as rich as god.

As it is necessary to affix the right ideas into words, I’m going to ask a simple question: who says polygamy is actually God’s will? I’m not going to offend people by naming names, but you get the idea.

Now just for the sake of honesty, we don’t have any external evidence for believing that as the word of God, other than the man’s saying. He said that it was revealed into him. How do we know it was revealed to him? By the saying of other people who heard it from other people who heard it from other people who didn’t witness the event firsthand and were too dumb to ask for an evidence.

And we, the people of 21st century, have to take it blindly without asking questions or else we are going to suffer in hell for eternity.

It is hearsay upon hearsay and with that kind of logic, I can also say that I am God’s chosen one and this writing of mine is the Word of God himself that must be strictly obeyed.

Perhaps your numskullery have prevented you from understanding my point, so let me re-phrase it.

Have we become so insecure with life that we have to live it by a set of outlandish rules that were composed by and common to nomadic men of the 7th century?

It’s your call, girls.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

It's been A year

Okay, first things first: I don’t die. That’s wonderful. I didn’t get hit by some drunk drivers on my way home, I didn’t get drowned at the pool and my food wasn’t poisonous. Today I can officially say, "You know what, I've been with her for a year now."

My gal was still asleep when I left for my bullshit work (and lord knows she is so pretty when she’s asleep) I left a card and a mixed CD of songs that she likes next to her pillow. I have been secretly working on this CD for a week and I really hope she likes it. The only time my boss allows me to use the phone is at lunch break so I guess I’ll have to wait for another two hours just to hear from her.

Here’s the serious part. Last night I got a rather discomforting phone call from my uncle Anton. Keep in mind that the whole conversation was really said in English. This uncle of mine is an English teacher and he never misses a chance to speak the language with me. Here’s how the conversation goes:

U:
I heard that now you’re living with your girlfriend?

Me: No…not a girlfriend

U: What’s that?

Me: She’s not a girlfriend – she’s my fiancée. That’s one step up the hierarchy.

U: I see. How did that happen?

Me: She just finished school and she’s been thinking about pursuing a modeling career. In the mean time, we figured it’d be better if we could share some quarter and expenses as well. Why do you ask?

U:
I talked to your dad and he said you two had been together for a while now…

Me: And?

U: And…I know this is not my business, but we’re still Indonesian, you know?

Me:
What are you suggesting?

U: I suggest the two of you get married.

Have I changed that much? Have things changed that much? I remember the days when my life was all about Gunbound, the A-word, Frestea dingin, last night’s score and surat izin pulang. But at what point do “marriage”, “career” and “tax-return” become an integral part of the conversation? I remember the days when I could just call my mom from a friend’s house and say, “Ma, 'ntar sore aku terlambat pulang…mau main PS dulu.” But last week my excuse was, “Ma, natal ini aku ‘gak bisa pulang…kerjaan numpuk!!” Have I finally reached the age where “work” has become an acceptable excuse?

You decide.

Anyway, as much as I feel uncomfortable with this whole aging thing, I can’t deny the fact that I love to settle down. My grades and paychecks are pure bullshit, but when my baby is around, somehow this personal hell of mine is a lot more bearable.

Speaking of settling down, here’s a super sweet song that I also put on the mixed CD. As always, I’m forcing y’all imbeciles at gunpoint to download this song. Hit the download button, tools!!!

http://www.sendspace.com/file/fs9h1c

Friday, December 08, 2006

Stupidity just married the Law

Now that we have successfully forced Lativi to cancel Smackdown, the real question we should all ask ourselves is, "WHY STOP THERE?"

Why stop there? We have stopped huge corporations like Playboy and WWE on their tracks. Our casualty rate is very low. We only got one dead, several injured kids and some burned tires. So why stop there? Who knows, maybe with these power we can do greater things?

Between now and another major sex scandal, it seems that the legislative has too much spare time. So why don’t we all pay them a visit and give them something to do? Why don’t we all march to Senayan and give them another law proposal?

How about a law that bans fat people from walking the streets? You may say, "But that’s a very insipid law? Do we really need a law for every thing?" Well guess what, fools! Laws are supposed to be insipid – at least the ones that come from DPR RI.

Besides, have I told you that fat people is very dangerous to public safety? Forget the half-measures of Smackdown. That’s for kids who can’t read subtitles. Forget Playboy magazine. That’s for men who can’t get a girl in real life. But fat people? It affects people at every level of society.

At least, it almost killed me the other day.

You see, I was driving a friend’s car when I saw this fat lady. To say this hideous creature a "lady" is really a crime against humanity and is punishable by death. But I’m stuck with that word because obviously the dictionary still can’t tell the difference between Keira Knightley and Pretty Asmara.

So yeah…I was driving slow and easy when they hideous monster suddenly appeared out of nowhere right in front of my windshield. The sight was so unbearable I had to cover my eyes with both my hands. I almost died out of fright. Death would be good for me because then I’d turn into a ghost and haunt this fat bitch. But instead of that, I drove my friend’s car into a curb and I almost crashed the nearby bystanders.

It didn’t happen thanks to the car’s ABS. But think of it had it been gone the other way. Innocent people would’ve been killed. I would’ve been put to jail and served for a life-sentence. My friend’s car would’ve been impounded. All these just because we allow such a distraction as fat people to walk the streets. I’m lucky it didn’t happen. But I’m sure that in many parts of the world, people just don’t have my luck. I’m sure every time a road kill happens, a fat person is involved. It just goes by default.

While we are still there, have I mentioned that fat people is equally dangerous for our mentality? I mean, what’s so cool about fat? Every now and then I see fat people on TV who say they love to be fat, that big is beautiful and all that shit. No, you dumbfucks! If big is beautiful, slimming Tea and fitness center would be out of business. Positive thinking is a pile of disgusting horse shit taken straight from Donald Trump’s ass. Thinking that you’re beautiful does NOT make you beautiful.

Oh and by the way, please!!! What is it between fat people and tank-tops? There is a reason tank-tops don’t have XL size and that is so YOU DON’T WEAR THEM. Jeez, I can’t believe people are this stupid.

So, what do say, folks? Do we really want our loved ones and TV screens to be endangered by these fat people? It’s about damn time to march to Senayan.

Finally, I can’t end this post without addressing stupidity that has seemed to be an inseparable part of this country. It seems to me that I can’t live a day and watch my TV without seeing another major outbreak of stupidity. Just when I thought it’s safe to play outside now that the whole anti-Bush thing was over, came anti-Smackdown.

Am I the only person who pays attention to the demographic issue here? When I see the parents of the Smackdown victims, it seems to me that they all come from the Ibu Rumah Tangga demographic section. They say they can’t accompany their children when they watch TV. So what the fuck can they do? They live in rural areas and their daytime activity is gossiping. Life is practically over for them once the clock hits 6 PM. But they still can’t take care of their own children?

You can’t make your kids go to bed by 10 PM? You can’t take the TV’s remote from a 9-year-old kid and you still have the guts to call yourself a parent?

And since these moronic parents can’t take care of their own kids, can’t supervise and can’t teach the difference between right and wrong, all this country can do is pass a law for every thing objectionable. Like that fat people thing I mentioned above.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I worked for the Nazi propaganda Minister in the previous life

Two days ago my friend asked me to write about HIV. I have always considered myself as a politically correct person, but now I’m going to release my inner bigot. You want my opinions on HIV? Well I hope they all die and burn in hell for eternity.

No, I don’t feel any remorse for them. Why should I? As much as I hate terrorist, I can understand their action. They are frustrated. Their religion doesn’t allow them to talk with females. And blowing stuff is exactly what every guy will do if he can’t talk to a girl.

But these people with HIV? It’s not like they are dumb. They are in college. They live in major cities. They have the media. Hell…they control the media. And they were fully aware when they had their unprotected gay sex. Well guess what tools!!! Even dog shit like Ihsan is not free. Did you really think you could fuck your way around and still get away with it?

The Old Testament in the Bible is full of nonsical tales but I have to agree with one part of it. That’s the part when God sends the fiery furnace of hell right into the town square of Sodom. Man, God couldn’t have done it any better. I can imagine Michael the Archangel shouting, “give ‘em hell, boys!!!” I can see Gabriel reloading his flamethrower. That’s the most awesome part of the Bible.

I had quite a similar experience the other day. I was at work, minding my own business when this guy stepped up to me. Just by looking at his appearance I could tell he’s one of them and that he had at least one battalion of that damn disease between his legs. And he was smirking at me. What’s with smirk? What’s so strange about a 20 year old Indonesian male doing a crosswood puzzle? For you people who don’t know what it’s like to see a gay smirk, well just check out the movie Philadelphia.

And he was smirking at me and he was probably tring to compose some gross pick up line. You see, there are some slutty girls down at the Union and when they try to flirt with me, I’d just show them my engagement ring and they’d just back off. But this gay dude… So then instead of waiting for the gross sequence to commence, I decided to pick up my Mossberg shotgun (which I happened to keep under the cash regeister) and shot him in the chest. Hah…how’d you like that, fucker?

My patrons didn’t even bother to call the police or ambulance because hey, I just did them a great favor. Tonight they all can sleep well, knowing that they have one less ODHA to worry about.

But then the guy that I shot dead is just one man. There are more of these people lurking around your neighbourhood. They are probably stalking at you right now. They are probably grabbing and wanking at your Myspace pictures. There were at least one million of them bitching about getting disriminated on TV during AIDS day. What the fuck? Since when does their opinion matter? Who gave them the right to bitch on TV? What have they done for society that makes them eligible to have their own special day?

Maybe Hitler was an evil man, but he made a good point when he said some people were just sub-human when compared to others.

Besides the obvious point that these ODHA are simply sub-human, HIV sure doesn’t need wrist band, ribbon or flavored condom. HIV needs a solution.

Which I happen to have at my disposal, by the way. Instead of spending millions of dollars in research for a medicine that will never exist, why don’t we just re-establish Auschwitz and send these HIV people there? It’s cheap, effective and permanent. As for the million dollars, we might as well use it to open a worth-visiting mall in every single town in this country. Kids can enjoy themselves and parents don’t need to worry because all the HIV people are officialy gone.

It may sound harsh for y’all politically correct people but just think of it as an investment for the future. Ten years from now when the only disease left on planet Earth is influenza, you will all thank me. You will send a letter to the pope and recommend my name as a new saint. And I’m not even a catholic. But then Vatican will approve your request and you’ll have monuments of St. Maurits on your town squraes. There will be statues of me wearing a blue plaid shirt, grey jeans and a shotgun on my right hand. Girls will come from all around the world just to propose me, but I’ll have to politely refuse their proposals because you see, I ain’t marrying anyone but that beautiful Meeka Elizabeth Galetti.

So what do you say, folks? We can either sit here watching these gay people spread their disease or we can take an immediate action against them. It’s your choice now.